Pain Is What I Deserve
by amrice101
Summary: First Jo and now Lucy, Kendall keeps getting treated like crap and he really isn't sure if life is really worth it anymore. 'Seriously . . . am I that terrible? Am I that ugly that I can't even have a faithful girlfriend? Am I that boring and plain that no girl can or wants, for that matter, to stay committed to me' Will he ever be truly happy again? Warnings Inside, Eventual Slash
1. Chapter 1

_Welp, this was unexpected. _

_I got this sudden burst of creativity from God knows where and I'm just gonna wing it :p _

_Disclaimer; I will never, ever own Big Time Rush . . . I've finally come to turns with that ): _

_Warnings; Self-harm and just some good old depressed Kendall. Something I like to write a lot of. _

_Tell me if I should continue this, okay? Oh and p.s, Lucy and Kendall are dating in the beginning of this. _

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Chapter 1: Why Can't I Be Happy?

It was supposed to be a normal, regular day; waking up, showering, eating Breakfast that consisted of my mom's famous chocolate chip pancakes, meeting up with Lucy to go out and do something, spend practically the whole afternoon with her and then come home and hang with the guys.

I didn't have getting my heart-broken on that list.

Just when I was getting out of the elevator and looking around for Lucy, guess where she was? Sitting on some guy's lap, kissing the fucking life out of him. I just stood there, completely frozen; we had only been dating for a few weeks, three the most . . . was I really that dull that I was already boring her? Well, apparently I was.

When they finally did stop sucking each other's faces, Lucy looked right up at me. She didn't look shocked, she didn't look embarrassed that she got caught cheating on her boyfriend; she had a fucking smirk on her face and winked at me, before diving in back for more.

Even though I wasn't 'head over heels' for Lucy, my world felt like it shattered in a few seconds just from that.

With a heavy heart and watery eyes, I just turned and walked back into the elevator, just wanting to crawl under a rock and stay there.

Sounds a bit extreme, considering I didn't even like Lucy all that much; don't get me wrong, she's a great girl, even if she cheated on me, but I knew our relationship wouldn't last long.

I just wasn't expecting this.

Why can't I ever have a nice, steady, loving relationship? I am just not meant to be happy? It seems like it.

I have no clue why though.

All I do is give and give and give and be the nicest person I can possibly be, and what do I get in return?

Nothing, that's what I get.

And I know, some are you are thinking, 'What about with Jo?' Well, guess what? She was cheating on me too! Can you guess with whom; I bet you can! Jett fucking Stetson! Yep.

I found out a couple weeks ago, well . . . figured it out, when I found out that Jo, never really got the role for that movie. I was wondering what was going with the movie and why I never heard anything about it. Did some research and found out she was never casted in it. It was all a _fucking_ lie. Her manager never called; it was Jett, she changed Jett's name on her phone to her manager to make it seem like it that was the person calling. But she did go to New Zealand. Just not for the movie. She 'escaped' there with Jett for a couple of weeks before she moved back to North Carolina and Jett came back to LA. I even asked him where he was for so long when he came back and he told me, "Oh, just was fucking Jo in New Zealand, you know, the usual."

Yep, you heard right; the usual.

Seriously . . . am I that terrible? Am I that ugly that I can't even have a faithful girlfriend? Am I that boring and plain that no girl can or wants, for that matter, to stay committed to me?

I know I'm not the most amazing guy in the world, or the most handsome, but, am I that below average, that hideous, that no one even cares to stay with me or at least try?

There has to be something wrong with me.

Especially if I find comfort in cutting up and burning my body to the point of unconscious, just like I'm doing now.

I'm sitting on my bed, in the room I share with James, by myself, razor in my right hand, a lighter right next to me, a hair clip I found on James' side of the room, a gauze, and a box of tissues to clean my mess up when I'm done.

This could be the reason Jo and Lucy broke up with me.

Not the cutting exactly . . . just the fact that I'm so fucked up in general. They probably did see the scars and get grossed out by them.

I wouldn't blame them though . . . they are covering both my arms.

Besides, it's just another thing to add to the 'What to hate about Kendall Knight' list.

Like there isn't enough shit on there already.

Whatever; I'm not gonna worry about that right now. All I care about is the sweet silence I'm in and the disturbingly relaxing sensation of blood rolling down my arms.

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_Wow, where did this come from? _

_Review? xoxo c; _


	2. Author's Note

Hi! I just wanna say, that I am going to continue this but it might take me little but because the laptop that I had the second chapter on well . . . the screen broke so I have to send it back to get that fixed and then I still have to finish it so it may take a while. But, IT WILL BE CONTINUED :D I wanna say thank you to everyone who reviewed and that when the next chapter does get published, I hope you like it. :3

xoxo, Angel

Oh and p.s, would you mind if I added slash? c: PM or review with your opinion. If you don't like it, you don't need to keep reading.


	3. Chapter 2

_Hey, hey! As you know, I'm gonna continue this, considering I'm not doing anything else right now. I'm kinda excited to get this going. This isn't gonna be too long though; maybe 5, 6 chapters? Idk. _  
_And I know I said it was gonna take me a while to post this, with my laptop screen being broken, but I turned it on the other day and only half the screen was broken! It gave me enough time to email this chapter to my house computer and I finished it up :D I even started to work on chapter 3! You guys are gonna like that one ;)_  
_I wanna thank; winterschild11, BreakFree, annabellex2, ToriShadeHarper, 8412, Glee Clue Rock 1251, CrazyKAMESFan13 and Aaliyah Love for their reviews! You guys are so nice :3 _  
_Disclaimer; I don't own Big Time Rush :{ _  
_Warnings; Depressed Kendall and some more self-harm. Oh and and for the slash, I'm glad no one is really bothered by it; most of you really want it. Just to let you know, It's not gonna happen in this chapter, but soon. I promise c:  
_

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Chapter 2: Someone Cares?

After about 20 more minutes of 'relaxing', as I like to call it, I cleaned myself up and decided to just sulk in my bedroom.

Is this what my life has really come to?

Hurting myself physically just to make my emotional pain stop for a while?

I thought I was the fearless, brave, courageous Kendall Knight not . . . this; the weak, ugly, terrible excuse for life Kendall Knight.

Well I guess this is what happens when you realize how much of a loser you are, huh?

Oh great, now I feel like cutting again. Fan-fucking-tastic.

With a sigh, I sit up from my bed and walk into my- well James and I's- bathroom to get my razor again. I don't really remember how I came to self-harm to help me feel better, but I'm glad I did.

I'm not sure how to explain it but, it's the only time that I actually don't hate myself. I'm too distracted by the sensations of the burns and the cuts.

I open the cabinet below the sink to take my hair clip and lighter this time. I look at the two objects in my hand and just shake my head; I'm a so pathetic.

_You really are just sad, you know that?_

Thanks for reminding me brain; like I didn't already know.

_No problem. Now, are you gonna do something with that hair clip or are you just gonna stare at it?_

You know exactly what I'm going to do, now just shut up.

See, I even talk to myself, too. I truly am insane.

_Yep, you really are._

I just roll my eyes at myself and start to heat up the clip. The longer I do this, the easier it gets for me to feel the heat radiating off it and I love it.

Creepy, I know, but that's just who I am now.

After a couple more minutes, I set the lighter down and press the clip to my wrist, hissing at first, but after a few seconds, getting used to the feeling. I make about two more marks on my arm before I hear some slam the bedroom door and walk towards the bathroom.

I tried to put the lighter in my pocket and roll up my sleeve before he could suspect anything but James walks in before I could do any of that.

It seems like the whole world just freezes. James is staring at my arm, his eyes wide and his mouth open in shock. I feel like I can't move, I feel like I can't do anything. But, eventually, James snaps out of the trance he was in and rushes over towards me, grabbing my wrist harshly, making me wince, and brings it closer to his eyes so he can examine the burns and scars further. What scares me the most is that James hasn't said anything yet and I have no clue what he's thinking. Is he disgusted? Does he hate me now? Oh god . . . I hope that isn't it. I don't really care if the whole fucking female population hates me, but if I lost my best friend . . . I think that would be the final straw.  
I've known James all my life . . . I don't know what I'd do without him.

_Probably become even crazier, to the point where Carlos and Logan get fed up with you and decide to throw you in a mental asylum._

Yeah; probably.

All of a sudden, I feel something brushing against the multiple scars and burns and something else rolling up my other sleeve. James is looking down, the thumb of his right hand rubbing circles over my scars and the other pulling my sleeve up to look at even more of my scars. I start to blush from embarrassment because really, I'm acting so vulnerable right now.

_It's because you are Kendall._

Whatever.

Then, the next couple of minutes are a blur. I'm totally spaced out and for some reason it seems like James is moving at the speed of light. He's throwing the lighter and hair clip away, rolling down my sleeves and taking my hand to walk me back into the bedroom. He sits me down on his bed and sits down right next to me.

Just want to remind you, he still hasn't said anything to me yet.

Thankfully, to my relief, that changes.

"Why?" It's only one word and he even whispers it, his eyes not meeting mine, but the way he says it, he sounds so disappointed in me; like he would expect more from me. Well, that's how I see it. I really never know with James.  
I decide to play the dumb card and say, "Why what?"

I see his jaw clench and he looks me in the eyes, sadness being expressed in them and honestly, I'm surprised. I thought that there would have been disgust, anger, or at least pity in his hazel eyes but it's none of that; just pure sadness. And of course, it makes me feel terribly guilty and even more like a piece of shit. Great . . . just great.

"Why are you . . . hurting yourself?" Again, his voice is weak and low, and it sends a punch right to my gut, making me want to just go crawl into a corner and burn to death.

Sounds harsh, but, this is James, my best friend; not just some random girl I've dated and got my heart broken by. He's my best friend and he's always been there for me and it seems like he will be now.

I just need to be honest with him.

"Well, for starters, I just want to tell you why I did it today. Lucy cheated on me and when I saw her, she looked right up at me and smirked before she started to suck the guy's face off. I came back to the apartment, felt like complete shit, blamed it all on myself because I'm a pathetic, ugly loser, and to take my mind off that I cutted myself, about a good, 5 times, before I stopped." And the dreaded silence was back. I looked into James' eyes and now, they were emotionless; I had no clue what he was thinking. It drove me insane to just see him staring into space and for me not to know what he was feeling.

"You could have just told me." What?

"What?" Why would I do that? So I could bother him about my problems and just get pity? Hell no.

"Why didn't you just talk to me about it? And I know this isn't your first time Kendall. Why did you do it the other times?" Oh god. He wants to know all that now? Shit.

I sigh in defeat, knowing that their is nothing I can do now; James is going to eventually figure out how worthless and crazy I am. key word, eventually. I don't need to tell him everything right now, right?

_Right._

Wow, for once, I actually agree with my self-conscious.

"I didn't talk to you about my problems because I didn't want to bore you with all my self-hatred. I know you don't want to hear that."

"I want to help you Kendall! You're my best friend; your problems aren't stupid to me. I love you man, and I don't want to see you in pain." I swear, I must have looked like a fish out of water, I was so shocked by what he said. He really seemed concerned. I could tell, just by the way he said it, that he truly meant it.

"S-Seriously?" James smiled at me and pulled me in for a tight hug.

"Seriously. I'm here for you; I promise." With a smile on my face, I wrapped my arms around James' body and pulled myself closer to him.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt loved.


	4. Chapter 3

_Hi! I see many of you liked the last chapter! If you liked that one, I think you're gonna love this one ;3 I love this chapter, a lot! :D _

_I wanna thank; BreakFree, Glee Club Rock 1251, 8412, annabellex2, winterschild11, and Xavier Julius for reviewing. I'm glad you guys are liking this! But I have some sad news for you guys . . . the next chapter is going to be the last }: I warned you guys that this was going to be short and I was trying to see what I wanted to do with this and I decided to end it next chapter. It's gonna be an epilogue of sorts. _

_Disclaimer!; Nothing is mine. :p _

_Warnings; I can't tell you! It will give away the entire chapter. I can tell you their is more of Kendall putting himself down, but that's it! And some fluff :) _

_Okay . . . read on! _

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Chapter 3: I Must Be Dreaming . . .

I knew that this peace and quiet was too good to last; that something was going to interrupt it.

James just couldn't stop talking for a few minutes, could he?

He pulled away from our hug so he could look me right in the eyes. He had a serious but concerned look on his face. I didn't know how to feel.

"You never answered my other question; about why you did it the other times." Fuuuuuck. I should have saw that coming. I didn't think he was going to notice that I didn't tell him that. I can't lie, he's gonna know if I'm lying. He's James, my best friend, of course he will.

"D-Do I really need to tell you all that now?" Wow, I didn't realize I was so nervous. Where did that come from? Well . . . I guess anyone would be nervous, having to tell your best friend how crazy and psycho you are and then watch them walk away and never want to do anything with you again. It has to be nerve wracking right?

"If you want me to help you, yeah, you do." Do I want his help? Why does he want to help me anyway? Why can't he see how worthless I am like everyone else can; myself included. Why does he care so much? Why does he love me like he says he does? I just can't understand.

_I can't either; it's a mystery. Ask him._

I can't just ask him . . . can I?

_Yeah you can. You want to know? Just ask._

I don't know . . . what if it's something bad; something I don't want to hear.

_Like what?_

Like, I don't know, he really doesn't care and he just's fucking with me for his amusement.

_You're just thinking of the worst case scenario, besides, that's my job! God, stop being a pussy and just ask him!_

Fine, I will!

"Why do you care so much? I know you said I'm your best friend and you love me and all but . . . why? I don't get why you would care about someone like me." I saw his whole body freeze and his eyes get wide, just like when he found me burning. But why this time?

"Kendall, can I-I tell you something?" Whoa, where the hell did that stutter come from? Is he nervous? He can't be nervous. Why would he be nervous?

I'm supposed to be the nervous wreck here, not him.

I'm the one with the problem, not the perfect, gorgeous James Diamond.

_Hold on there, did you just describe James as gorgeous?_

No- well, he is, isn't he?

_Yeah, but, best friends don't describe each other as gorgeous unless they secretly like them._

. . .Don't even go there. Cause if I start to like James, then I'm gonna get my heart broken and then I'm going to die. I can't have James hate me. He just can't. Not like Jo and Lucy do. I'll fucking kill myself if James starts to hate me and abandons me. I seriously won't be able to survive if James can't stand to even think of me anymore.

. . .Why do _I_care so much?

_Because you're in love with him and you're just realizing it now._

I can't love him. I just can't. I'm too fucked up and James deserves so much more than my pathetic self. He deserves the entire world and I can't give him that. Besides, James would never, ever love me. It's not possible. Their are millions of amazing people out there. Why would he want-

"Kendall!" Oh yeah . . . forgot he was there. Oops.

"Yeah?" I'm surprised I didn't stutter. Honestly, I thought I would have passed out by now.

"You just zoned out for 10 minutes. Can I tell you what I wanted to tell you now?"

"Sure."

"Well," he scouches himself just a little closer to me, thinking I wouldn't notice . . . I did, "You've been my best friend for as long as I can remember. You've been here for me when no one else was and I've always looked up to you; I have always admired you. You're strong, brave, caring, smart, and you just are so selfless. You're always thinking of others before your self. You're everything I'm not. And . . .I love you because of that. I love you because you've always cared about me no matter what. When I got rejected by Gustavo, you came to my defense and told him he was wrong; that I did have talent. When you got offered the chance to come to L.A by yourself, you thought of me and the guys and brought us too, even though you didn't even want to go. Even though this isn't what you wanted, all the singing and fame; you put my dream ahead of yours. That was and still is, the kindest thing anyone has ever done for me. Even when I thought I couldn't love you more, you do something like that. So yeah, the reason why I care so much about you is because . . . I love you, I love you so much, and I know this isn't what you need to be hearing but is true and I can't hide it anymore." Wait . . . what? What? _What the hell._ **_Noooo._ **

This can not be happening. This just can't. James can't love me. JAMES CAN NOT LOVE ME.

_Well, he does._

Shut up. No, this isn't happening. I'm just dreaming and I'm gonna wake up any second in a pile of my own blood.

Just to make sure I'm sleeping, I slap my arm and fuck- that really hurt! Oh no . . . this is real.

But, I can't decide what's worse. James loving me or the absolute look of terror on said person's face. He looks like someone is about to rip his heart out and eat it right in front of him.

Is it because of me?

Shit, I didn't say anything yet! _Shit!_

"J-James, I, you . . . you can't." Better than nothing right?

"I can't what?" I groan and grab onto his hands and make sure he's looking right at me. He needs to know I'm doing this for him.

"You can't love me, okay? You just can't. You're amazing James and . . . I-I think I love you too but I'm too crazy and fucked up to be with you. You deserve someone who can love you right; someone whose confident and beautiful and not mentally insane. And obviously, I'm none of those things." I think I made my point.

James squeezes my hands and smiles at me and shakes his head like I'm crazy. Well, I am, but not 'cause of the . . . y'know.

"See Kendall, you're doing it right now."

I cock an eyebrow at him like he's the crazy one and say, "I am? What am I doing?"

"You're thinking about me first before yourself. Don't worry about me Kendall, I know you think I deserve more but I don't want anything else but you, okay? I just want you. I love you with all my heart and that's how it's gonna stay." B-But . . . why can't he understand?

Before I could argue, James leans in and our faces are only a few inches apart and I suddenly feel like I can't breathe. I can see every little part of his face in detail and . . . he's just so perfect.

He can't love me.

He deserves so much more! He deserves someone whose as perfect as he is. I'll never be that to him. Never.

"B-But . . ." The words die on my tongue as soon as he closes the tiny space between us, kissing me with the most love and care anyone ever has. The way he's holding me in his arms, the way his lips are moving so slow and gently against mine . . . I never thought I would feel something like this; someone actually loving me with such a passion. I can feel it. I never thought I would get this because I always thought I didn't deserve it.

What I never realized was . . . it just wasn't the right person.

I didn't get the sparks I'm feeling now 'cause I was kissing Lucy or Jo.

I didn't feel like I was in heaven 'cause . . . I wasn't in James' arms.

It's always been James.

He's what I've always been dreaming of; someone who loves me and will never hurt me.

It's been in front of me all this time and I've never noticed until now.

I smile into the kiss and I can feel his lips turn into a smile too and this is just the greatest feeling in the world; being completely comfortable around someone and just losing yourself in them.

Is this what love feels like? Maybe, I hope it is though. If I could fall in love with anyone, I would want it to be with James.

We're to busy giggling to realize that we aren't even kissing anymore, we're just laughing at nothing, our faces right next to each other.

After a couple more minutes, I move my face away from his, a huge smile on my face. I forgot how nice it felt to smile a genuine smile. I didn't have a reason to, until now obviously.

Somehow, my smile get's even wider and I get a blush on my face when I catch James just staring at me, like I'm the most breathtaking thing in the world. But, that can't be right, since the last time I checked, that title belonged to the beautiful person in front of me.

"You're so cute when you blush; did you know that?" James coos at me and puts a hand on my cheek and my face becomes even redder and he just chuckles. He slides his arm down to my waist and pulls me close to him, so we're side by side. He kisses the top of my head and I just bury my face in his shoulder, so he doesn't see that my face is as red as an apple.

"I love you so much Kendall. I promise, I'll do whatever I can to make you stop self-harming. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself anymore." I can here the sincerity in his words and it just brings tears to my eyes to know he means everything he's saying. He tilts me head up so I'm looking right at him and I feel my heart just stop and the wind get knocked out of me.

His eyes, those perfect, magnificent, hazel eyes have so much love and care in them, they're sparkling and I can't believe it's all because of me.

"Can you promise me you'll try to stop?" I'm so lost in his eyes that I just nod, but that's not a good enough response for him.

"I need to hear you say it Ken, please . . . for me?"

"Yes, I promise I'll try, for you." And even though I know that I may break that promise, seeing that smile of his just makes me forget everything.

Spontaneously, I peck James on the lips and put my face back in his shoulder. I can tell he's a bit confused so I just say, "Thank you." It's muffled, since my face is smothered in the crook of his neck, but he still hears me.

"For what?" I look up at him and smile. He really doesn't know, does he?

"For loving me. For being what I've always needed. For being my hero. For being . . . you." It's his turn to blush and I do the same thing he did to me; I put my hand on his cheek and tell him he looks adorable when he blushes.

"Hey James?"

"Yeah?" This time, I pull him in for a real kiss, trying to put all the love and passion I can muster. I want to show him that I love him as much as he loves me; I just never saw it until now.

Before we can pass out from the lack of air we're both not getting, I pull away and look him right in those hazel eyes and say, proudly, without a doubt in my mind, "I love you too."

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_AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW WWW. I loved this so fucking much. I've never loved writing something like I did this. I'm soo fluffy :p Oh well! _

_P.S: I got the title of this chapter from a song, if you know the name of the band, you get a virtual cookie :3 _

_Review, loves c:_


	5. Another Author's Note D:

This sucks. This really **_fucking sucks_**. I have terrible news. Ugh. I just turned on my house computer to write the last two paragraphs for the final chapter, that I was gonna post later today, but guess what? IT VANISHED. I CAN NOT FIND IT ANYWHERE ON THE COMPUTER. It's not in the 'My Documents' of Recycle Bin. I'm so pissed, cause the whole thing had to be at least 3,000 words! And now, with a week until school, I have to rewrite the whole entire thing -_- I am SO SORRY. Seriously, I know how much you guys want this chapter and I feel like shit that I can't publish it today ): This month has not been good to me . . . my mom lost my phone last night when we were going school shopping, couldn't go to the BTR concert at Homdel, laptop screen is cracked . . . whatever, I'll stop ranting about my issues :| Bye lovely readers, I'll try and rewrite the chapter as close to the original and as fast as possible! I LOVE YOU! :D


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